There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Sexual ruts and dry spells happen to absolutely everyone from time to time. Life gets busy, schedules get packed from wall to wall, and it can be tough to find the energy to be energetic and creative in bed at the end of the day. So instead, you either hold off on sex altogether for a while or fall back on what you already know gets the job done.
Before you know it, your sex life just doesn’t have that same pop that it used to. You want to get things back on track, and you can even think of a thing or two you’d love to try with your partner. But you’re just not sure how to start a conversation about it and sell them on the benefits of giving it a try. Here are a few tips to help you get started.
Keep it positive and light-hearted.
Many people have the same fear when it comes to starting a conversation like this with their partner – that they’ll take a desire to spice things up a bit as a critique on their performance. But you can help reduce that possibility by keeping things positive, light-hearted, and at least semi-casual as far as tone.
Start by talking about all the things you love about having sex with your partner. Be specific about things you find sexy about them or little ways they never fail to turn you on and make lovemaking incredible for you. Then steer the conversation in a new direction by asking them if there’s anything they would like to try in bed and taking it from there.
Leave complaints out of the equation.
When the time comes to bring up your own ideas about things you’d like to try in bed, be careful how you phrase your requests. Often people wait to even begin a conversation with their partner about sex until they’re already super frustrated with something in particular, and they may not even realize it until they start talking. So, take care not to complain or approach things from a negative angle.
For instance, instead of saying, “We never have sex anymore, and when we do, it’s over so quickly,” try, “I’d love to spend one of those long, lazy Sundays in bed with you soon.” In other words, make your request by asking for the positive thing you want instead of complaining about the negative thing you don’t. Consider how you’d like your partner to talk to you about your sexual rut if the shoe were on the other foot.
Be patient with your partner.
Remember, not everyone is as comfortable talking about sex as someone else might be, and that’s okay. And if your partner is a little more reserved in this arena, you likely already know it. Keep in mind that this discussion isn’t just about you but the wonderful, intimate sex life that you share together, and be patient with them.
If you catch your partner off guard the first time you bring up the topic, and they seem uncomfortable, respect their boundaries. But do follow up on the subject another time. If necessary, ask them to suggest a day or time to discuss it. Ask if there’s anything you can do to make the conversation easier, but don’t drop the topic altogether. It’s important to be able to talk to your partner about sex and bring up any concerns, desires, or ideas you might have.
Listen in addition to talking.
Once you finally do get that conversation started, make sure you make it an actual conversation. Don’t talk “at” your partner or make the entire discussion about you. However, do float your ideas out there as far as what you’d like to try, whether that’s carving out more time to linger in bed together or trying something specific – like a small toy or some light roleplaying.
Then ask your partner to contribute a few ideas of their own. Maybe there’s a new position they’ve been meaning to suggest, or perhaps they’d love more romantic play, like sensual massages. Get some good back-and-forth going and settle on a few ideas you both like the sounds of.
Take the next step together.
Putting the pep back in your sex life if things have been stale lately isn’t just about jazzing things up in the bedroom. It’s about making time to reconnect and foster stronger intimacy, in general. Make sure you’re making your time together a priority. Surprise your partner with tickets to an event or a romantic dinner reservation at their favorite restaurant. Then see where things go.
Taking the time to nurture the romance and connection in a relationship is often the best way to get out of a sexual rut and open the door to some new activities to try together. So, get started today, and you’ll see.